So I'm watching the Kardashians and Kourtney ended up in a similar situation with Scott that I was earlier this summer.  She found texts in his old phone to another girl and she didnt like it.  So what she decided to do was confront him about it.  Now, he admitted that he was being immature and he understands that he hurt her.  But the entire time I'm watching this I'm just thinking about how immature she looks.  Now I know what I saw earlier this summer.  It was plain and clear in black and white.  I also know the anger I felt when I discovered this.  However, I think bout my life and how perfect it is with you.  And above all, I think the reason i have not confronted you about it is because I trust you.  Although I saw that you were flirting with a girl and didn't tell her about me, I am confident in what we have.  I am confident in our attraction, in our determination, and in our connection.  Whatever that was, well it sucks that I saw it.  But to be honest, I have been with you for about 3 years now.  There are times when you miss flirting and attention and a chase.  But, in the end, you are spending youre time with me and you are caring about me.  Just like you said "all that other stuff is bullshit, its about you.  I work hard so I can be with you" I believe your words whole heartedly.  I am going to be an adult and continue to put this in the back of my mind and embrace what is in front of me.  

Yay! it's your birthday! And so far I am doing an amazing job. And as confident as I am in us, I still have a slight burn when I think about band camp and the fact that I still see her name in your phone.  One side of me just wants be to put it out there. Just say hey you don't feel comfortable with me leaning on people on the bus, well im not comfortable that you text so many girls.  The other side just keeps saying, Danielle you know you have nothing to worry about.  Be confident and nothing will be wrong.  But I have to admit that this keeps coming up.  I think I'm just so scared of messing this up that I don't want to bring it up.  But this is something I don't like.  So I should feel fine bringing this up.  I think that since this is different now, it's not me saying "hey I looked through your phone and I didnt like what I saw". It's me saying hey when I was sitting next to you and playing with your phone there were a lot of girls that you were texting.  What is that about? Do you flirt? I think this is the time.  I'll feel it out this week since I'm doing awesome stuff for his birthday.  I won't make it a dramtic thing just kinda like hey I wanna be honest with you and I dont like this. idk its still flip-flopping in my mind.  I shouldn't be scared about this but I am.  Idk. 

just when I pack these feelings away in a little box, one sentence brings them out in a full stampede.  It still is killing me that there are these other people that you are going to in order to have a good time.  I wouldn't feel like this if you would just be open and honest with me.  But I know you're not.  ANd that sucks. Cuz how do I bring up the fact that I know because I looked thorugh your personal belongings? And why is it that you're going to girls that are nothing like me, nothing as good as I am.  Why am I not enough? Just when I become secure I break down to a thread.  Sometimes you make me feel so sure.  I feel the love and I know that ways you go to come see me.  But why are u also doing this for others? Would it be different if you were doing this for boys? Is it because you miss flirting? Is it because you thinkin youre missing something? I don't know if I can hold this in any longer, but how do I bring it up? How do I bring up the fact that I'm so mad that you would trvael all the way up to NB to go see a movie with another girl who you have hooked up with instead of me? THat hurts beyond explanation.  

Maybe I should put it on myself. Talk about the guys who have pushed the limit of flirting. And how I wondered if he did the same.  Are we ok with that? What are our boundaries? I don't know whether I'm being crazy or whether I am going with my gut.  All I know is that I'm hurt and I don't know how much longer I can let this fester inside my chest. 

Band camp.... OH band camp. Lots of great crazy things but at the same time not so many. Im super anxious right now and i know its partially form school but its also partially from this. I don't want to write about it anywhere but if i dont i might go crazy.  So one night i managed to sneak up to aarons room and he was in the shower so i was playing around with his phone.  I had sent him a text saying that i was on my way up so i checked to see if he had gotten it yet.  The service up there is wacky.  But when I looked in his messages he didnt have it yet.  But I saw that he was texting a girl named Carmella.  Now I know I shouldnt have looked but Ive seen his texts before and theyve never been anything bad so I looked.  He was straight up hard core flirting with this girl.  From what I got from the conversations, which have been going on for over a week, they stopped talking to each other because they got in a  fight. Aaron hit her back up out of no where.  She even told him she was surprised that he still had his number.  When she brought up the fight he was just like not a big thing why would i wanna stop talking to you blah blah blah.  And at one point she asked if he ahd a girlfriend and he ignored the question.  He didnt say no or yes he jsut ignored it.  Now it def hurt seeing that but how can i get mad? Ive done the same thing with guys.  But the thing is that when they kept talking he was insinuating stuff that i just didnt like.  I dont remember everything that was said but at one point he said idk what you like makyeb chocking and gagging you or something like that.  THey also were talking about hanging out and drinking and like insinuating things that could happen.  Seeing that SUCKED! And i couldnt say anything cuz technically i shouldnt have been looking at his phone.  When he came out of the shower he saw i was upset.  But i just said that the girls were talking and stuff and i wanted to know if he told ppl i was his girlfriend.  ANd he said yes right away.  And he told me that i can talk to him whenever about anything and that no one can compare to me.  But the whole time i just kept thinking about why he needed to text her. What compelled him to look up her number and hit her up? ANd when the staff went drinking the one night during band camp he texted her! She didnt reply but still that means he was thinking about her.  We had sex that night but it just felt so fake.  I told Steff about it the next day and she told me it was nothing to worry about.  She told me that she knows he loves me and it was nothing.  THis is one way i like to think about it.  Hes a guy and a flirt so that was jsut him wanting to flirt.  And i know i have done that before.  But like i said it was just a little too intimate at times. So that day at camp was def hard cuz i had a heavy heart.  But i have to say when i saw him i didnt feel animosity.  The last night of camp we both drank alot.  He danced with me which was awesome and fun.  But at one point he was talking with Steph Marks and they were just too close for comfort.  THey were talking but their faces were jsut too close.  At first I walked away but then I was like no im gonna tell him i odnt like this.  So i went up to them and asked to steal him and basically said Why were you so close to her? He told me they were only talking and that he can't hear well so thats why they were close.  ANd i said thats fine but i still didnt like it.  He re-emphasized that they were only talking and i told him i believe him but that doesnt change the fact that i didnt like looking at it considering that I know theyve hooked up.  So then that turned into another argument.  Apparently aaron thinks that I dont go out enough and he tells me to "do me" becuase he remembers how he was when he was 21 and he wants me to go out instead of hang with him.  And i told him i do go out and i hang out with him i have a balance.  And he was like well tell me when you go out cuz he feels like i dont because of him.  And to be honest sometimes that is true but its because thats what i would rather be doing.  I think the only time i regret hanging out with him instead of going out is when the crew went to the hooka bar. So then Ahmed came by and saw we were upset and became the mediator.  Aaron basically told me that he wants me to have fun because he knows what its like to be an adult.  And that all he does is work to make money to come to band to see me and be with me.  He told me that all the other stuff is bullshit and that im the future.  Even tho he doesnt know about the text thing that pretty much answers it in a way.  Now mind you he was really drunk so it came out a lot harder but Ahmed told me that he likes us together and that he does this for me which i know. I know how much money and time he spends just to see me.  But that text thing still gets me ya know? Well aaron ended up throwing up... alot. While me and ahmed were talking aaron went upstairs to get water.  Then i hear DANIELLE!!! DANIELLE! So i run upstairs and he throws up.  Once hes done I manage to guide him to the bed.  While im doing that he just kept saying Im Sorry Im SOrry and I was just like its fine its fine.  He was awful the next day too.  Once we got home we slept and then got food and watched a movie and fell asleep again.  He was adorable self and kissed me on the forehead and held me tight.  Of course all the things i absolutely love.  I know that he doesnt have time to pursue another girl and i know he loves me but i just think what if they do go out for drinks? She doesnt know anything.  I trust him so I know he wont do anything. But the fact of the matter is that it DEF hurt. Alot.  But i guess its pushing me more to think about myself and what i wanna do and how to improve myself.  Kinda brought me back to reality after this long day dream that is summer 2011.  

Summer 2011 is off to a great start. My friends make life rich with laughter, my family makes life rich with love, and aaron makes life rich with excitement.  I'm not gonna lie, juggling these three essential pillars of my life are taxing.  I can never make everyone happy.  But the most important thing is that they're there for me.  In the end, they all love me <3 Life is great and God is good =)